Friday, February 13, 2009

happy day!

This has already been a great morning (thanks for the Dulles trip, Jilly!), and it's going to be a great afternoon (thanks for the upcoming Dulles trip, Ilana!), followed by a great night (because it's a Friday). So, I'm in a great mood.

But mainly, I'm in a great mood because I completely OWNED some guy this morning. He was actually a repeat customer; random, though, I just happened to be the closest cab each time. I already knew this guy was a fool from our trip last week*, so I was prepared. I picked him up a couple minutes after 8 am, and we were going from Court House to the House (south) side of the Capitol.

We had three options:
1) Roosevelt Bridge, hop on to Independence and ride it all the way down to the House side.
advantages: geographically shortest distance, which I am legally obliged to use; if traffic moves and we don't hit the lights, it's also the quickest
disadvantage: if the bridge is blocked up or we hit all kinds of red lights on Independence it will take forever

2) Memorial Bridge, hop on Independence and ride it all the way down to the House side.
advantages: the bridge is never stopped up, and then if Independence is clear it's pretty close to being as quick as the Roosevelt bridge; and if Roosevelt is blocked up, it's far quicker
disadvantages: it will usually take longer than Roosevelt Bridge, and while it's not much longer geographically, it feels like it to the passenger, which would upset him

3) Take the GW Pkwy down to 395 and the 14th St Bridge
advantages: 395 lets out right at his destination
disadvantages: 14th St Bridge is ALWAYS blocked up, seemingly no matter what time of day it is, and definitely at 8:10 am; geographically much longer, which would upset a passenger

So, I went with the Roosevelt Bridge, thinking that it didn't look particularly backed up. As soon as I took the Roosevelt Bridge exit, he said "you think this is the best way?" I asked him if he had been thinking about the Mem Bridge or 14th St Bridge, and he told me he thought 14th St would have been best. I said that if traffic was moving on the Roosevelt Bridge, and it seemed like it was, then we'd just shoot out on Independence and get him there quickly.

Well, needless to say (since I already said I OWNED him) the Bridge moved beautifully, and there was no traffic at all on Independence. It was an incredibly quick and efficient trip. We were chatting a little, and while we were on Independence, flying through green after green after green, I mentioned that the trip was going great. He, like the lame-o I already knew he was, said "Yeah, there must be a lot of people taking off today or something." What a lame-o! A far more appropriate response would have been "Wow Mr. Cab Driver, you were so right," or "Mr. Cab Driver, you OWNED me."

Oh, and one last reason I'm in a great mood is because another passenger gave me a bag of Cheetos! A big one, too, I think I'm gonna give it to my sisters.

*I already knew he was an idiot because last week we were chatting on the way in to town about Metro. He doesn't like Metro. I do, so I told him they need more money, and that even being underfunded like they are, I was really proud of how they did on the Inauguration. He agreed about the Inauguration. Then he said he was confused about how they have a budget shortfall because they had record ridership that day. This is incontrovertible proof that he is a fool, because
a) Metro's budget shortfall is $173 million
b) Metro's ridership on the Inauguration weekend was a record 2.6 million
c) 2.6 million rides * $2.35 per ride = $6.11 million income that weekend
d) $173 million - $6.11 million = $166.89 million shortfall
e) $166.89 million is still a hell of a lot to be underfunded
f) therefore, my passenger doesn't understand basic arithmetic and is a fool


  1. hahhahahaaaa

    f) therefore, my passenger doesn't understand basic arithmetic and is a fool

  2. I love the play-by-play thought process of a suburban cab driver...

    I guarantee you that no other DC cabbie has ever brought 3 variables into the equation, along with such other complexities like flow rate, displacement, and time. Not only would Pythagerous be proud of your mathematical mastery, but Abe Lincoln would commend your selfless devotion towards providing the customer with the service that best suited his needs.

    Note: This comparison is not actually a fair comparison...since most cab drivers aren't UVA educated and planning to attend UPenn Law in the Fall :P